(Flickr user gabriel amadeus)

Rob Ford’s Legal Team: “Crack Expertise Required”

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Disappointing some political supporters, legal advisors, and Sun News Media pundits, Rob Ford’s lawyer retaliated to accusations of smoking crack on video with the following, less than ideal, statement:

“I think unless one has expertise in crack cocaine smoking it is very difficult to gauge what a person is actually doing in an alleged video.”

And with that, a collective facepalm from every conservative in the GTA resulted in an earthquake of 5.2 magnitude on the Richter Scale.

From the "Annotated Compendium of Crack Cocaine Inhalation" (Flickr user Ephemeral Scraps)

From the “Annotated Compendium of Crack Cocaine Inhalation” (Flickr user Ephemeral Scraps)

And yes, Mayor Ford’s lawyer Dennis Morris just put “crack smoking” and “expertise” in the same sentence.

Personally, I would have gone with a “NOOOOO!!!!!!!” or perhaps a Bill Clinton-esque “I did not smoke crack with those minorities… the Somalis.”

One thing’s for certain, we should be on a city-wide — perhaps even a world-wide — search for someone with an “expertise in crack cocaine smoking” and get them to analyze the tape.

Will somebody please think of the comedy?

(Flickr user RєRє)

Us comedians, following the Rob Ford smokes crack allegation. (Flickr user RєRє)

Being one who has expertise in the English language, I took the time to break down how many different ways this statement was terrible, and not remotely a denial of anything.

DANNY MENDLOW’S EXPERT LANGUAGE BREAKDOWN:

“I think” — Right away, not a lot of confidence in the words about to follow.

“unless one has expertise in crack cocaine smoking” — Only ten words into the sentence and we’re already approaching borderline insanity levels of logic and reasoning. Clearly there is no such thing as a crack cocaine smoking expertise, unless you consider smoking a lot of crack to be a measure of expertise on the subject. In which case your expertise should surely be called into question, on account of how much crack you have smoked.

“it is very difficult to gauge” — Again, exceptionally soft, dodgy, rhetoric-filled language. Nothing definitive or concrete at all to deny the allegations. The words “Rob Ford Has Not Ever Smoked Crack Ever,” have yet to appear anywhere.

“what a person is actually doing in an alleged video.” — Sorry, what?! Even for evasive lawyer talk that one is a doozy. This statement in no way denies there is a video, nor does it address whether there is a man named Rob Ford who is smoking something in said video.

In short, the Mayor’s only real defence so far has been, “Maybe it’s meth!”

dude

Here is an alternative sentence the lawyer might be wishing he had said instead:

“There is no video of Rob Ford smoking anything because Rob Ford does not do drugs. This whole thing is a lie. Go ahead and release the tape, because there’s nothing on it, because Rob Ford does not smoke crack. We will take legal action against those who have attempted to defame the name of our good mayor. That is all.”

But alas… no such luck.

All I can say is this: I think unless one has expertise in crack-smoking Mayors caught on tape, it is very difficult to gauge if Rob Ford will be Mayor next month.